One family, two political views. Elections lead to arguments in many households, but it can be avoided
The elections are around the corner and in many Czech families, things are currently heating up. Having a calm discussion with loved ones who plan to give their vote to the party you consider wrong, is difficult, sometimes even impossible. However, a psychotherapist sees a solution in active listening and respectful communication.
Someone will say it's "just" elections, another will tell you it's "about everything". Just as these two attitudes are different, so can political thinking of close people differ. Living and functioning with someone who sees the world in white, while you perceive it in black, is quite complicated and for many absolutely impossible.
"Political discussions in families are usually not just about politics. They clash with values, experiences, loyalty and the need to feel accepted. That's why these conversations are so fragile. They touch on what we believe in, and who we are,"
Zuzana Steigerwaldová, a psychotherapist working on the online psychotherapy platform Hedepy, explains for LP-life.cz.
If a person with whom you're close, has a completely different political opinion, you may primarily feel threatened. This is not unusual, evolution simply ensured that we evaluate disharmony within our own group this way. Family relationships are largely about trust and belonging, which is disrupted by this.
"In fact, it's not just about a clash of opinions, but about a clash of two life worlds that are starting to lose understanding of each other, even though they are still close to each other,"
describes Steigerwaldová.
A pair in (dis)harmony
As SAGE Journals states, conflicts directly between two partners are rare, because most people are looking for a mate who will think similarly. Of course, it depends on how tolerant individuals are and how important politics is to them. For people with strong opinions, this can be problematic, or they need to be sure that the partner will be on the same wavelength.
"I always ask potential girlfriends on the first date who they vote for. I've come across the situation where one lady sent me somewhere, but I definitely don't intend to change this. It's a waste of time to spend time with someone who sees everything differently,"
Honza D. states for LP-life.cz.
Inter-generational disputes
We choose our partners, not parents, so here friction over political views is more common. It may also be due to upbringing itself. Children learn most by imitating their parents, part of this process is also observing the political behavior of mother and father - how it is stable, firm, how parents talk about politics together and how they comment on it.
"Our father went through a turbulent political development. I don't blame him, the times were just like that. But when he turned after the revolution and then returned to his old views, we couldn't understand it with my brother. We argued with our father about this even on his deathbed. Nowadays, I only quarrel with my brother, who was completely changed by Covid. I understand him even less than I did my father,"
Lukáš V. describes family relationships for LP-life.cz
As confirmed by a 2019 survey from the Pew Research Center, it is important for parents that their children adopt the same religious beliefs and political attitudes.
In case this is not so, there can be a fundamental disagreement. Family roles come into play. "The parent often feels the need to explain and give advice, while the grown child wants to express their own opinion and differentiate," says Steigerwaldová, adding that such a debate can easily slide into a struggle for power and recognition. As she points out, sometimes the most mature step is to avoid this type of conversation altogether.
A calm debate on politics has no winners
However, if you cannot completely avoid discussions about politics within the family circle and do not want to cause a conflict, you can try the following procedures. Firstly, it is necessary to evaluate whether the debate makes sense at all.
"A calm and respectful conversation is possible if both parties maintain the internal intention not to win, but to understand each other. This requires conscious respect because the moment we perceive a threat to our own values, the brain goes into defense mode," warns Steigerwaldová and reminds that when both parties stop listening to each other and start attacking and engaging in sarcasm and irony, it is a clear sign to stop the conversation. However, you can also try to calm down the situation. Then Steigerwaldová recommends to stick to the following points.
Not only speaking, but also listening
It's important not to react hastily. Before you say anything, take a deep breath and consider your next words carefully. You can use the silence during which you actively listen to formulate additional questions that confirm your interest in the other person's view. "I'm interested in why you see it this way" is definitely more appropriate than statements like "I don't understand why you see it this way".
Proper wording
Instead of general shouts of your "truth" like "it's not like that" or "the truth is such", try to formulate a sentence in the style "in my opinion/experience, it's like this and that". Start by how you perceive it, giving the other person maneuvering space to stay at their own view of the matter, and at the same time not being labeled as someone who is mistaken. That way, the person will not feel threatened, will not start defending their dignity out of the gate, and the debate will turn into a simple exploration of two different opinions and experiences.
Understanding Without Rejection
You can still stick to your ideas, but discussing differences without rejection is what will move you forward in a conversation. When you discover the motivation of the person, why they understand something differently than you, you will banish a possible argument and at the same time, it will enrich you. You don't have to hide the fact that you disagree, but this can also be said in a respectful way.
Source: original text, own inquiry, Zuzana Steigerwaldová, psychotherapist from Hedeby, Journals.sagepub.com, Pewresearch.org
