Christmas mom versus daughter. Daughters want everything different, mothers as it has always been.
Do you also dream of those family Christmases when mom and daughter notate during preparations and everyone is happy, satisfied, and generous with smiles? Most of us only know such holidays from television commercials, the reality is often different. The clash of generations usually intensifies during the holiday season and the gap that arises between individual family members is deepest between mothers and daughters. The psychologist explains why this happens and gives advice on how to prevent unnecessary disputes over decorations, baking, and observing or not observing Christmas customs.
It's Christmas, we're all suffering
"At our house, mom was always the commander. We all jumped as she whistled, and Christmas was the absolute worst. I was incredibly jealous of my schoolmates who could watch fairy tales and gorge on cookies. I had to clean according to mom's plan, twice cleaned, and I couldn't even think about lounging in front of the TV, let alone gorging on precisely calculated cookies. Grandma and grandpa were supposed to come, and everything had to be perfect, supposedly, so they wouldn't badmouth mom," recalls forty-year-old Anna for LP-Life.cz about her childhood traumas.
When she started her own family, she vowed never to do this to her children. "I wanted my family to have genuine peaceful holidays, without my mother. However, she became a widow and considering that my brother lives in Australia, my conscience didn't allow me to leave her alone for the holidays last year. But I got into trouble, my mom infiltrated my household and tried to take over. It ended up in a crazy argument and a wasted Christmas Eve. And what's worse, it's coming back again, my mom will visit us again and I'm afraid that our constant friction will destroy everything," Anna is already afraid in advance. Unfortunately, this is nothing unusual when several generations meet in a small space, there is a high probability that sparks will fly, and if such a sensitive event as Christmas is added, about which everyone has a different idea, it is almost certain that it will not go smoothly.
After all, one only needs to recall the legendary movie Christmas Vacation and poor Clark Griswold, who wanted nothing more than to spend the holidays with his family - but the vision of perfect holidays was gone as soon as the first relatives arrived. And his dear wife Ellen was not much better off mentally, though she tried hard. Her "It's Christmas and we're all in misery" made it into popular movie quotes, especially when the scene was complemented by her lighting a cigarette and the voice of her mother, who is nosily inquiring if she is smoking again.
Stage Conflicts
However, it's important to say that these aren’t any "family wars" as such, but a clash of different attitudes and characters. During the year we coexist normally, even though we are different, but everything escalates during Christmas time. Why? Because mothers often carry nostalgia and tradition, while daughters bring the desire for change and an effort to make things their own way. "Some daughters, now mothers themselves, want it to be 'different than before', but their moms often wish it would stay the same as always," explains psychologist Šárka Miková, author of Teorietypu.cz, for LP-Life.cz, and adds: "The conflict between continuity and change then does not take place consciously, but in small scenes - at the Christmas Eve table, while baking cookies, or with advice like 'but we've always done it this way' or 'you should do it differently'."
Where is the truth then? On both of the quarrelsome sides. But how can such unnecessary friction be avoided? Perhaps you promise yourself that this year you will try harder and control more and it will be okay - great and perfect. However, as Miková points out, the greater our expectations, the greater our disappointment when reality does not match our imaginations. Therefore, it is necessary to be able to step out of the vicious circle of imaginations and expectations.
Without perfection, but together
Review what you insist on, consider what you can give up, what you can or cannot overlook. By lowering your demands for perfection and trying to solve possible long-standing disputes under the Christmas tree, you will inherently feel relieved. "I am a believer and I experienced Christmas in this spirit. My daughter resented the obligatory church going and prayers before dinner when she became independent, she perceived Christmas in that American style, with ostentatious decorations and foreign customs. She went her own way in this regard and it took me a long time to learn to accept it. But I have to say that when I stopped pushing her, our relationship improved a lot. Last year she even accompanied me to midnight mass on her own. It was the most beautiful gift for me. This year I bought her a few such kitschy decorations and helped her decorate the apartment. It was a nice afternoon, during which she promised me that we would go to the midnight mass again and even the granddaughter wants to go," describes her experiences for LP-Life.cz, seventy-year-old Anežka.
As can be seen, nothing is insurmountable, the symbolic Christmas battle for space, recognition and respect between generations can end with a figurative laying down of arms. It may sound cliché, but it is true - perfection is put aside, space is given to openness and a sense of humor, and everything seems in better colors. "True peace at Christmas doesn't mean that everything is perfect, but that we can meet without the need to be right. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and our mother is to stop trying to make it 'perfect this time'. It's enough to allow it to simply be human - with minor disagreements, laughter, occasional tears and a feeling that we are together," Miková adds.
Source: original text, own inquiry
