On a Date with a Chinese Person: Young People Sit on Their Phones While Parents Seek Partners for Them in the Park
When someone in Europe complains that their parents interfere in their relationships, they usually mean the occasional remark at a family lunch. In China, parents go much further. For instance, they might head to the park and take the search for a partner for their adult child into their own hands. Although modern China is a technological superpower and people often meet through apps, just like anywhere else in the world, traditions and family expectations still significantly influence relationships here.
If you ever find yourself wandering around Shanghai over the weekend and happen to stray into People's Park, don't be alarmed when you see something reminiscent of the New York Stock Exchange during the Roaring Twenties. It's just anxious parents and grandparents looking for partners for their offspring. The Chinese marriage market (BaiFaXiangQin) is a certain phenomenon taking place in dozens of parks across the country. But if the idea of your grandmother selling you out and handing other grandmothers an advertisement with your age, height, salary, property, and horoscope doesn't appeal to you, then you have the option to look for a partner on one of the dating apps.
And this is where Chinese dating starts to get a little interesting. Because even if parents stay at home and a young Chinese person opens a dating app, the question "who do I like?" isn't always the only one on their mind. The question "who is suitable for me?" also comes into play. And that can surprisingly have a lot to do with a paycheck, address, or diploma.
Love or Job Interview?
On a first date in Europe, asking about salary could be a pretty reliable way to ensure there won't be a second date. However, in China, questions about work, education, or financial situation might be much more common. This doesn't mean that Chinese people are less romantic. Rather, they often look at a relationship as something that has the potential to grow into a long-term partnership and possibly marriage.
Therefore, when looking for a partner, not only mutual attraction can be evaluated, but also education, employment, income, or family background. Having one's own housing plays a big role. An apartment is not just a place where a person places their sofa. In some parts of China, it also represents a symbol of financial stability and readiness to start a family. It's not uncommon for parents to save and finance housing, especially for their sons. Owning an apartment increases your chances of marriage by at least tens of percent. A romantic dinner by candlelight may be a nice thing, but real estate still wins according to everything.
In China, marriage is not seen as solely a matter between two people. Traditional Chinese culture places great emphasis on family, respect for parents, and the continuation of the family line. A partner is thus not "just" a person with whom you spend your free time, but a potential family member. It's not surprising, then, that parents may have a fairly clear opinion on their choice.
When there are fewer women than men
History significantly influences dating in China. To limit the rapidly growing population, China introduced the one-child policy in 1979. It was initially meant to be purely a demographic measure. However, its consequences have reflected in the life of couples.
In traditional Chinese society, there was a strong preference for sons. A son continues the family line and takes care of the parents in their old age. The combination of this fact, the limitation on the number of children, and the ability to determine the gender of the child led to significantly more boys being born than girls over the decades.
The one-child policy ended in 2015, but the country still feels its consequences. In the Chinese dating pool, there is a significant imbalance between men and women. And it is definitely not true that every man automatically has an equal chance of finding a partner.
The biggest problems are faced by men from poorer rural areas and men with lower education or income. Women, who are scarce in some regions, can be very selective. Thus, economic status gains even more importance. If there are more suitors than partners, being just "quite nice" isn't enough.
Tinder, Chinese style?
However, modern technology is gradually changing traditional rules. Dating apps allow young people to meet someone outside their own social circle and, importantly, without direct parental intervention. Apps like Tantan, Momo, or Soul provide more space for personal preferences, appearance, shared interests, or simply whether two people have something to talk about.
The younger generation is somewhat caught with one foot in the People's Park and the other in the digital world. On one side are the parents dealing with education, employment, and their own apartment. On the other side are young people who want to travel, build a career, and above all decide for themselves whom they will love.
As is the case in Europe, some young Chinese people are delaying marriage until a later age or are not considering it at all. Particularly educated women increasingly oppose the notion that their life's success must be marriage and children. For their parents, however, this can be a somewhat difficult change to accept.
When the Whole Country Talks About Love
The way relationships in China are intertwined with issues of money, social status, and societal expectations doesn't only play out in ordinary families. This was also demonstrated by the media-covered relationship of actor Huang Xiaoming and influencer Ye Ke.
Their relationship and subsequent breakup attracted significant attention on Chinese social media. Alongside the breakup itself, their social status, lifestyle, money, and the ideal of what a "proper" partner should look like were also discussed. The case thus became part of a much larger debate about what modern-day Chinese actually expect from relationships.
And perhaps that's what makes the whole Chinese dating scene most interesting. While dating apps are giving young people more freedom, family traditions have not disappeared. Parents can continue to search for the ideal groom in the park, while their son or daughter swipes on their phone.
Chinese love thus exists somewhere between a paper ad on a bench in the People's Park and a profile on a dating app. And while the young generation tries to make decisions based on their own ideas, parents still check if their potential son-in-law has a job, **byt** and a sufficiently promising future. Because in China, it's simply sometimes not enough for someone to catch your eye. They should catch the eye of your family, too.
